If clouds are blocking the sun, there will always be a silver lining that reminds me to keep on trying.
There are few things I like better than reaching a state of peace that is so overwhelming that it feels as if I am floating on a cloud, dreaming while awake, or living outside myself in surreal and unimaginable contentment. It is not often that I reach this sort of peace, but when I come across an exceptionally good movie, book, thought, or experience I am spun into a sleepy state of musing that lasts long into the night and leads me to think romantically of the beauties and thrills which life offers.
I was spun into one such state of peace tonight after watching The Silver Linings Playbook. The last time I had watched a movie this good was back in December when I sat cozily in a theatre chair, completely spellbound by the film Life of Pi. While these two movies share very little, if anything, in common, they were able to entrance me in such a way that led me to believe that I myself had experienced the story I had just watched or that the characters were somehow within my own soul or walking beside me through the very real joys and sufferings I had been going through at the time. This sounds crazy, but let's face it, that's what a good story does.
While I have been dreamily musing about the film I just enjoyed, I pondered on the very real and powerful subject of hope. Hope has been something I have been afraid of the last couple of weeks. It's not that I am completely hope-less or "down in the dumps" or something, but I haven't been invested in hope. What I mean is, I've been wasting my time invested in my own issues and have had no room for hope. This has led me to be consumed with some very ugly and unwanted emotions, such as bitterness, anger, jealousy, fear, contempt, and un-forgiveness.
There is a good chance that many of you reading this know that I deal with a lot of anger issues that I want no part in but that have been a constant companion these last few months and have been like a nasty next-door neighbor these last couple of years. I also battle insecurity and the tendency to overreact, especially when it comes to things or people that threaten me in some way. Overtime I have built up quite the callous on my heart, which at first was there to guard me from getting burned, but as time went on and I experienced betrayal, disappointment, confusion, and pain from people and things which I had at one time loved and trusted, my callous turned into an ugly, unreasonable, and unforgiving wall. When threats came into my life and struck me in my areas of insecurity I was thrown into a state of burning anger which led to intense bitterness, overreacting behavior, and fierce hatred towards that which hurt me.
I have been pretty sick of all this for a while now, and I have been fighting to figure out a way to put an end to my weaknesses and soften my overly calloused heart. Strategies were put into action, time was devoted to meditation in an attempt to refocus and change, and countless prayers were lifted up, but nothing seemed to stick.
And then something happened. It wasn't some significant event in time. I actually don't remember what day it was or what I was doing or even if it happened at a single moment or over a period of time, but I know something has changed because I am finally moving towards restoration. What happened was this: I had lot's of realizations.
I realized that it doesn't help to wallow in my fear or let my mind wander into all the times in the past that I have been burned. The more I focused on the bad things that had happened to me, the more I lived in fear of threats that are not realities, and the more I grew unforgiving and bitter. My anger spells grew more frequent, my rage became untamable. I was not having the best of times.
But Jesus pulled me back in.*
He reminded me that the more I focus on whatever is good, noble, right, pure, trustworthy, honorable, excellent, and lovely the more I will grow in gentleness, humility, patience, kindness, goodness, self-control, joy, peace, love, and faithfulness. When these things are incorporated into my life, my struggles with anger, rage, bitterness, and fear will (and have already begun to) melt away. When threatening thoughts or realities come my way, I don't have to spin into another episode of crazy anger. Instead I can calmly say, "I trust Jesus and I love Him. I know He's got my back."
This lesson is just beginning to settle in, and it's triggering all sorts of simple yet extraordinary revelations. Now when I sing to myself, "When I don't understand, I will choose You. When I don't understand, I will choose to love you God," I really mean it. No, I don't understand most things most days, but that doesn't change my ability to love my bestest friend in the whole wide world and sweetly remind myself of the goodness I can share and experience when I choose to think about Him instead of me. I no longer have to play the victim and pity myself when I am faced with threats. Instead I can push those thoughts out of my head and think upon all things excellent and praiseworthy. I no longer have to behave according to the flesh. Instead I can step into the fruits of the Spirit.
I no longer have to be consumed with darkness. Instead I can be invested in hope!
So there you have it, I've got my silver lining. I've got lot's of hope to hold on to. I love all of these thoughts so much and I have greatly enjoyed processing things through these blog posts. I doubt anyone even reads them, since they drag on and on nearly ever time. But for those of you who do happen to read this, thank you for listening. Even if it makes no difference in anyone's life, it makes all the difference to me. I'm on the fast track to healthiness, and I love it!
*Yay! Yay! Yay! Oh how He is good and always faithful to pull me back in to him :)
I was spun into one such state of peace tonight after watching The Silver Linings Playbook. The last time I had watched a movie this good was back in December when I sat cozily in a theatre chair, completely spellbound by the film Life of Pi. While these two movies share very little, if anything, in common, they were able to entrance me in such a way that led me to believe that I myself had experienced the story I had just watched or that the characters were somehow within my own soul or walking beside me through the very real joys and sufferings I had been going through at the time. This sounds crazy, but let's face it, that's what a good story does.
While I have been dreamily musing about the film I just enjoyed, I pondered on the very real and powerful subject of hope. Hope has been something I have been afraid of the last couple of weeks. It's not that I am completely hope-less or "down in the dumps" or something, but I haven't been invested in hope. What I mean is, I've been wasting my time invested in my own issues and have had no room for hope. This has led me to be consumed with some very ugly and unwanted emotions, such as bitterness, anger, jealousy, fear, contempt, and un-forgiveness.
There is a good chance that many of you reading this know that I deal with a lot of anger issues that I want no part in but that have been a constant companion these last few months and have been like a nasty next-door neighbor these last couple of years. I also battle insecurity and the tendency to overreact, especially when it comes to things or people that threaten me in some way. Overtime I have built up quite the callous on my heart, which at first was there to guard me from getting burned, but as time went on and I experienced betrayal, disappointment, confusion, and pain from people and things which I had at one time loved and trusted, my callous turned into an ugly, unreasonable, and unforgiving wall. When threats came into my life and struck me in my areas of insecurity I was thrown into a state of burning anger which led to intense bitterness, overreacting behavior, and fierce hatred towards that which hurt me.
I have been pretty sick of all this for a while now, and I have been fighting to figure out a way to put an end to my weaknesses and soften my overly calloused heart. Strategies were put into action, time was devoted to meditation in an attempt to refocus and change, and countless prayers were lifted up, but nothing seemed to stick.
And then something happened. It wasn't some significant event in time. I actually don't remember what day it was or what I was doing or even if it happened at a single moment or over a period of time, but I know something has changed because I am finally moving towards restoration. What happened was this: I had lot's of realizations.
I realized that it doesn't help to wallow in my fear or let my mind wander into all the times in the past that I have been burned. The more I focused on the bad things that had happened to me, the more I lived in fear of threats that are not realities, and the more I grew unforgiving and bitter. My anger spells grew more frequent, my rage became untamable. I was not having the best of times.
But Jesus pulled me back in.*
He reminded me that the more I focus on whatever is good, noble, right, pure, trustworthy, honorable, excellent, and lovely the more I will grow in gentleness, humility, patience, kindness, goodness, self-control, joy, peace, love, and faithfulness. When these things are incorporated into my life, my struggles with anger, rage, bitterness, and fear will (and have already begun to) melt away. When threatening thoughts or realities come my way, I don't have to spin into another episode of crazy anger. Instead I can calmly say, "I trust Jesus and I love Him. I know He's got my back."
This lesson is just beginning to settle in, and it's triggering all sorts of simple yet extraordinary revelations. Now when I sing to myself, "When I don't understand, I will choose You. When I don't understand, I will choose to love you God," I really mean it. No, I don't understand most things most days, but that doesn't change my ability to love my bestest friend in the whole wide world and sweetly remind myself of the goodness I can share and experience when I choose to think about Him instead of me. I no longer have to play the victim and pity myself when I am faced with threats. Instead I can push those thoughts out of my head and think upon all things excellent and praiseworthy. I no longer have to behave according to the flesh. Instead I can step into the fruits of the Spirit.
I no longer have to be consumed with darkness. Instead I can be invested in hope!
So there you have it, I've got my silver lining. I've got lot's of hope to hold on to. I love all of these thoughts so much and I have greatly enjoyed processing things through these blog posts. I doubt anyone even reads them, since they drag on and on nearly ever time. But for those of you who do happen to read this, thank you for listening. Even if it makes no difference in anyone's life, it makes all the difference to me. I'm on the fast track to healthiness, and I love it!
*Yay! Yay! Yay! Oh how He is good and always faithful to pull me back in to him :)
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