The Sea

"The sea, the sea, the sea. It rolled and rolled and called to me. Come in, it said, come in.

And in I went, floating, rolling, splashing, swimming, and the sea called, Come out, come out, and further I went but always it swept me back to shore.

And still the sea called, Come out, come out, and in boats I went, in rowboats and dinghies and motorboats, and after I learned to sail, I flew over the water, with only the sounds of the wind and the water and the birds, all of them calling, Sail on, sail on.

And what I wanted to do was go on and on, across the sea, alone with the water and the wind and the birds, but some said I was too young and the sea was a dangerous temptress, and at night I dreamed a terrible dream. A wall of water, towering, black, crept up behind me and hovered over me and then down, down it came, but always I awoke before the water covered me, and always I felt as if I were floating when I woke up."

-Sharon Creech, "The Wanderer"

"The sea, the sea, the sea. It rolled and rolled and called to me. Come in, it said, come in."

I have read Sharon Creech's children's story, "The Wanderer" about a thousand times, and I could probably recite this first chapter in my sleep. I have always felt so connected to this book, and I cry nearly every time I enter into the story and get swept away by the fears, excitement, dreams, dangers, trials, and triumphs that the characters share together. Just like the narrator of this first chapter, my heart longs for the sea. My soul hears the call to "come in and come out" further into its overwhelming waves. And I often listen.

This past week I have been blessed to enjoy a perfectly picturesque week at North Myrtle Beach with my parents and my grammy. There has been plenty of time for relaxation, sun bathing, reading while sitting with my feet in the waves, and enjoying long walks along the shoreline, but there has also been time for an intense amount of reflection and self-evaluation.

I am entering my senior year of college, and I'm spending the first semester of my last year of college in Australia without a single soul that I know. I am also figuring out the big and scary future with my boyfriend of four years, and besides that trying to see what sort of career I can have with a theology degree. I think my business minor might come in handy... Needless to say, there is a lot on my plate and it can be exhausting to take in at times.

Unfortunately, I am no good with responsibility and change. I like to think I am, which makes matters worse, but in reality I often act out of weakness and selfishness instead of stepping up to the plate and swinging as hard as I can. I don't normally give up, but in the past couple of months I've been catching myself in the act of retreat and concealment, and I've even given up a number of times. It's caused this windy path the Lord is taking my down to get even windier and I daresay I've formed my own inconvenient detours along the way...

By the kindness and mercy of God I have begun to see the dangers I am creating for myself and I'm starting to wake up from my slumber and confront many of the deep-seated issues that influence me to live in such a way that I refuse to accept. I've done some "hard" work the last couple of week to be rid of these issues but, as a weed that has been growing for years and developed roots deep within the soil, I need more than a few good tugs to pull out of the mess and grow healthy once again. So God, in all his goodness, gave me another tug in the midst of this beautiful and peaceful week.

I was on a little boat cruise to go see some dolphins when the Lord really got to me. Some other things had happened earlier in the week that had put me in a sour mood, but as I rode through the beautiful blue waves and looked out into the peaceful sky I realized how small I am and how Big and Powerful God is. My fears began to melt, my anxiety eased, my sourness sweetened, and I was left with the friendly presence of my only true lover. My Jesus whispered softly in my ear, "What does it matter child? Why are you holding on to those grudges so tightly? Why are you getting upset over nothing? Come out into the deep waters of my love and lay it all down. I'll take care of it, just don't you worry."

And so I did.

I smiled into the sun with the wind strong on my face and I released all my anger, all my fear, all my stubbornness, all my doubts... and freedom came flooding in.

Jesus is still sweetly whispering in my ear and reminding me "I'm only human" and I must strive to be a woman who "does good and not harm all the days of [my] life." And I'm still listening. After all, He's right. What does it matter? Why hold on to the negative when I could be embracing the positive?

I still need help to follow through with all the things I tell myself I will change, and I certainly need assistance recognizing the rest of my faults, but for now I am thankful that God has opened my eyes this much and has graciously forgiven me and given me the desire to be transformed into a Daughter of the Light.

Shine in me Jesus, I'm all Yours!

^^The view from my little boat cruise.